But the thing is, I do have a unique perspective. I am a mom of three boys, all of whom are boy’s boys (think dirt before books, farts before, well, anything) and all of whom are under ten years old. I also watch two additional boys weekly which means that, when their collective energy level is taken into account, it would take 119 of me to keep up with them. I’m also over thirty, a milestone that didn’t mean much to me until I actually became thirty and started to prioritize sleep over luxuries like nail polish and clean laundry. And lastly, I face the bewildering reality of dealing with toxic levels of testosterone after growing up with only girls and thinking that a mess was a box of Crayola 64 crayons not arranged in rainbow order.
So for the sake of comparison, we’ll call my single life “BEFORE” and my parenting life “MOF3BBU105W119MEO30NPFDTTOGC64” (Mom OF 3 Boy’s Boys Under 10 5 Weekly 119 of ME Over 30 Nail Polish Furniture Dusting Toxic Testosterone Only Girls Crayola 64).
It has a nice ring to it, huh? I tried to be concise.
There are so many ways that having kids has changed the course of my life, but over the last week as we tried to rest and recuperate during Spring Break, the differences became alarmingly clear.
BEFORE:
When work let out for Spring Break, Joel and I would plant ourselves on the sofa, watch a few episodes of Friends, and go to town for a leisurely meal out.
MOF3BBU105W119MEO30NPFDTTOGC64:
Having exhausted the rotation of Carlos O’Kelly’s, Chilis, and any other restaurant ranked highly by Cael and Graham based on a complicated algorithm involving crayon-to-child ratio, quality of activites on kids' menu, and who serves mini corn dogs, we opted to take the kids out to breakfast at Perkins, where they'd been begging to eat for months. Joel and I don't particularly like the place, but who could begrudge three boys their maple syrup fix on the first Monday of Spring Break? One hour, nine silver dollar pancakes, 1.5 cups of multi-colored sprinkles, seven extra sets of silverware, four bathroom breaks, two conniption fits, and $37 later, breakfast was done and Cael announced that he was ready for tacos at Carlos O'Kelly's.
BEFORE:
After a couple of days of relaxation, Joel and I might decide to take a day trip, or catch a show somewhere to get out of the house.
MOF3BBU105W119MEO30NPFDTTOGC64:
Wanting to surprise the boys after their much-requested Perkins fix, we loaded back up in the car and set off for Dubuque, a city about an hour away from us where we've visited a "resort" hotel with an indoor waterpark that we've frequented a few times in the past. After thirty minutes of driving, the boys got a bit restless, but it wasn't until an hour had passed and we crested a hill, bringing the river into view that Graham muttered, "We've never gone home this way before." We dropped a pretty (sticky from syrup) penny on our hotel room, waterpark passes and admission to the National Mississippi River Museum & Aquarium only to discover that Dubuque, IA on a random Monday in March, well, sucked. The Museum's coolest features were closed. Every restaurant downtown closed to honor Monday as if it were a revered holiday. The interactive water exhibit was marginally interesting until someone else's syrup-sticky kid splashed what I can only hope was not river water on Graham's pants, causing him to awkwardly adjust his crotch for the duration of the afternoon. Thinking we'd enjoy a "show", we purchased tickets to a 4-D short film about Robots that the older boys did enjoy. Adler and I enjoyed my face-swapping app from the lobby of the theater as our bellies rumbled for lunch. Popcorn sounded good, but they weren't selling concessions that day. Why? Because it was Monday.
BEFORE:
After taking in a show at a local events center, Joel and I might find it fun to take a dip in the hotel's hot tub for a few moments of relaxation.
MOF3BBU105W119MEO30NPFDTTOGC64:
When the time came to swim in the waterpark, Joel and I looked at each other, mentally dividing three kids by two parents, and realized that we'd be doing less swimming and more treading proverbial water.
Cael wanted to ride the purple slide, but Graham wanted to ride the green slide. Adler started grunting... I pleaded with him not to poop in his Little Swimmer. Where was Graham? Cael wanted a snack. Joel took Adler to the baby area and the big boys decided they wanted to be with Daddy. Switch. I went on the lazy river and someone threw an errant basketball lob that landed on Adler's head. I wanted to ride the big, scary, dark inner tube slide and tried to persuade Cael to go with me. "No way!" I tried to persuade Graham, who is not a strong swimmer, not to go. "No way!" Graham loved the slide. I peer pressured Cael to do it and spent the next two hours alternating slide rides between Cael, Graham, Cael, Graham, Cael, Graham. Where was Joel again?
BEFORE:
After a busy and eventful day, Joel and I would settle into bed, perhaps watching a rented movie, and sleep a deep, peaceful sleep.
MOF3BBU105W119MEO30NPFDTTOGC64:
The hotel room had double beds, and Joel and I are accustomed to a king at home. Joel's snoring kept Cael up all night. Cael's restlessness and rustling sheets kept Graham up all night. Graham's titanium-pointed elbows kept me up all night. Adler slept like a baby.
BEFORE:
Looking for some laughs, Joel and I would get tickets to a comedy show at our local club, and spend a few hours sipping cocktails and laughing until our sides hurt.
MOF3BBU105W119MEO30NPFDTTOGC64:
Chuck-E-Cheese's.
BEFORE:
When Spring Break was over, we'd look back on our fun and restful week fondly, and feel appreciative for all of the things we were able to do, making note of what we'd like to plan for the following year.
MOF3BBU105W119MEO30NPFDTTOGC64:
"Mom, how come we didn't get to do anything good this Spring break?"
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Leave your own "ism". Cael and Graham double-dog dare you.