Pondering Brotherhood

As the kids adjust to the idea of a new baby on the way, Cael has responded with excitement while Graham has responded with questions.  Lots of questions.  Weird questions.

"If the baby is a girl, will I have to be a girl?"

"I don't want you to go to the hospital to have the baby.  Can't you just do it at Walmart?"

"How come you don't swallow and eat the baby if it is in your belly?  Will you poop it out?"


I was trying to think of ways to get him more involved, short of being present in the delivery room, because, NO, and I had the fabulous idea to let him start talking to the baby so it might recognize his voice.  The only problem with this theory is that, with my unusally close family around each other daily, this baby will develop while hearing twenty different voices on a regular basis and may just emerge with a seriously distorted sense of self or a tendency toward tawdry daytime talk show appearances.

"Graham, did you know that the baby can hear your voice?  You can talk to it if you want.  He or she won't talk back, but they can hear you."

"What do I say?"

"Whatever you want.  Tell the baby about your day, or what you like.  You could tell it all of the things you can do together when it is older."

"Okay.  Baby, today--"

"Um, Graham?"

"Yeah?"

"That's my foot.  No baby in there.  Aim for my tummy?"

"Oh, okay."

And then I realized just how confused the kid must really be.

"Hi baby!  I'm your brother and I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today on a green plate.  I like the orange plate better but Cael had that and he always gets the good plate.  Maybe when Cael is in school I can have the orange plate and you can get stuck with the green plate.  Or maybe we'll have a purple plate.  

We could watch Curious George when you are out of my Mommy's belly.  Where is your Mommy?  My Mommy is nice but she won't let me have more than one piece of candy out of the Christmas train so then I think she's kinda mean.  Is your Mommy mean?  

I love you, baby!  I'm Graham, remember?  I'm going to stay a boy.  Please don't hurt me when you come out."

I'll just book our visit to the Jerry Springer show now.  Stay tuned for dates.