Milestone Denial

There are a lot of things I don't believe. 

I don't believe in buying pay-per-view movies.  I don't believe in cooking a steak past medium.  I don't believe I can tan.  I don't believe that female sportscasters really care about the score in football games.  I don't believe that hot air balloons are safe.  I don't believe in using margarine as a substitute for butter or oil.  And I still don't believe that I deserve this great home, these beautiful boys.  This loving family.

And yet there are things that I know to be true and choose to deny.

My Graham cracker, my baby, will be headed to school in the fall.  And that thought is even scarier than the knowledge that my next birthday will see me saying goodbye to my twenties.  You won't see a post about that, however. 

Denial, thy name is thirty.

I have only mustered up enough courage to write about Graham's milestone because this blog was created for that very purpose, as a virtual memory book of the highs and lows of parenthood.  And while this event is classified as a high, the mere thought that his "babyhood" has come to end signals an emotional low.

I think I've faired better as Cael has aged because I've had Graham's tiny hand to hold along the way.  Cael's progression has also brought with it a bit of logic and enough age to temper his mischief at times.  But my youngest was born with a gentler sensibility, and a sweet innocence that I desperately don't want to see tarnished by bullies, stress and getting older itself.

He welcomes it, of course.  At his preschool open house, he flitted from one station to another, building castles in one corner and navigating the balance beam in another.  Every few minutes he was quick to return to my side for a reassuring hug before he was off to explore another room and another future away from my side.  It was only then that I realized how his reassuring hugs were probably for my benefit, not his.

I'll do my best to savor the last few months before this new academic phase of his life will begin.  I don't think I'll cry, or spend the time wishing he were with me instead of gaining this new independence.  Just as with Cael, Graham is bright and capable, and I'm excited to see the new facets of his personality that emerge as a result of these experiences.

So this time I'm letting it go-- I'm not going to worry about what embarrassing things my son will say, or whether his potty training will prove reliable.  In fact, those are thoughts best directed at myself.

I am turning 29 again, you know...