Patent Pending

I've always fancied myself a "jack of all trades, master of none" kind of girl.  I have a lot of interests and possess a minor level of skills in a bunch of areas.  But there isn't really one place where I excel.

Until now.

I've decided that I will become a successful and masterful inventor.  They say that all great inventions are born as a solution to a problem, and Lord knows I've got problems.  Remember me?  I'm the woman whose kid just about took out the neighborhood with a 6 ton roll of tin foil.  I'm familiar with problems.

So here is an exclusive for you, my friends-- my first three inventions, albeit in the planning stages, for you to consider, conceptualize, and eventually fund.  My funds are all wrapped up in train sets and bulk packages of hot dogs.

The "Stay There" Chair

About 6 months ago, Cael graduated from booster seats and specifically from the one that strapped into his chair at our dining room table.  He relishes in being a "big boy", but in real-world terms, I find that he is simply covered in relish.  Or beans.  Or pasta.  Whatever it is that we're eating, it is all over him, and not because of poor table skills, but because he won't sit still.  I could wrap a leather belt around him and cinch it down, or I could hog-tie him with a jump rope or even a series of interconnected colored pipe-cleaners.  But all of those options lack the finesse and lucrative potential of a product that could command $89.99 at Babies 'R Us.

So here's the plan.  Take any old table chair and outfit it with a series of metal arms that pull down and lock into place similar to those on a roller coaster.  One over the child's legs, one across their abdomen, one across the shoulders, and a cloth strap that tethers their head to the back of the chair, leaving their arms free to feed themselves and clearly not overstepping the lines of abuse at all.  Not at all.  And for only an addition $9.99, we'll throw in a spring-loaded fly swatter to whack the back of their heads each and every time thy shout "poop" during the meal.

The MacMommy

Think "swiss army knife", minus the knife, or the Scandinavian military.  This gadget is every mother's dream, swiftly changing us from inept guardians into the MacGyver of all parents.  It's a flashlight.  It's a black light.  It's a projector, clearly and flawlessly displaying 101 Dalmatians on the exterior wall of Dick's Sporting Goods as Daddy stops inside to "get something quickly", only to emerge 101 minutes later. 

It sprays hand sanitizer for those moments when you most need to be sanitized after changing a diaper in a scary gas station bathroom that looks cleaner just for having you there.  And in its most impressive feature, a small laser light painlessly cauterizes  wounds as well as trimming toe nails without so much as a blade, and avoiding the mouthy shouts of "ouch, you're hurting me... stop, stop!" that escape my son's mouth like a woman in labor with no epidural.

Lastly, let me introduce you to the Disguiser.

The Disguiser does just that-- it disguises any object and causes it to take on the likeness of something more appealing to a a two year-old, a four year-old, or even a 28 year-old husband with a fondness for tacky old Cadillacs and beer signs.  The Disguiser takes "smoke in mirrors" to the next level, transforming a plate of steamed broccoli into something that more closely resembles chocolate cake, while still preserving the nutrition of the tree-topped vegetables that my children would never touch, even with the aforementioned all-purpose tool. 

The possibilities are endless.  Imagine never having to listen to your children fight over a toy because you are able to transform a potato into a second Gator in a very Cinderella/pumpkin turn of events.  Consider never feeling your stomach lurch as you gingerly throw away a dirty diaper filled with a substance easily as potent as Anthrax, because you were able to disguise it as a very expensive Dooney & Bourke handbag.  One that even compliments your outfit.

So while I may not have made a career for myself using any of my skills, I know that I will always be able to disguise my failures.

And I promise that, should any of you choose to invest in my life-changing products, the first thing I will do is go back to today's post and disguise the fact that I had nothing better to write about today.