Practical Purchases

Home ownership is a full-time job.  Anyone who owns their own home can relate to the feeling of being a slave to every unreliable appliance and leaky pipe.  But for some reason, our not-that-old house of only 15 years has done more than enslave us- it has chained us up and brainwashed us like characters in a trashy soap opera. 

Near-death gas leak and eight floods aside, there are countless tasks that need to be accomplished and home-improvement related purchases that need to be made.  For example, our dishwasher and heartless captor is dropping plastic wheels and attachments like a leper with no will to live.  While I'm busy stealing parts from the dog's mouth and snapping them back in place, I'm trying, unsuccessfully, to avoid making eye contact with the creeping cement-like sludge that has encrusted the door and prevents the soap compartment from closing.  The residue is yet another reminder to get off the couch and refill the water softener, no doubt the source of the grime. 

With these conflicts in mind, Joel and I contemplated how best to spend this month's "miscellaneous" budget as we sat on the 2.5 stools that remain of the original four at our counter.

And what was the verdict?  New stools?  Master bathroom mini-remodel?  Brushed nickel knobs? 

Nope... a Playstation 3.

Someday my sons will thank me for the shining example of maturity Joel and I set for them.
I have to admit that it wouldn't have been my choice.  I have serious spending anxiety, and I envisioned those dollars being ground to a pulp, compressed into a wood-like product, and covered with a light cherry stain to adorn our stool-less kitchen.

"But the Playstation will let us get Netflix upstairs.  And the boys could play too, and give you a break every once in awhile."

Nice try.

"But if you don't see any games you like, then I don't want to get it.  We should all enjoy it."

Joel did earn some major brownie points for considering me.  But if there is one thing I am not, it is a "gamer".  Sure, I have the pasty complexion and spare tire that say otherwise, but I've never been able to find any video games that piqued my interest. 

I don't want to assassinate anyone.  I don't want to battle any sort of robot/villain/monster/alien for points/money/weapons/interstellar domination.  But sadly, the video game industry doesn't cater to overworked housewives.... even though they really should.

There are millions of women just like me out there, representing an untapped market of people who are quick, smart, and so mentally overworked that five minutes of mind-numbing virtual gaming might just be the answer to happiness.  But what games would interest these women?

Picture it with me.  (The graphics in my game would be unreal.). The mother character has just assembled the dinner casserole and is preparing to put it in the oven.  Our heroine's nemesis, the two evil toddlers, will stop at nothing to keep the casserole from baking so that they can eat hot dogs and French fries instead.  Armed with a spatula, an iPhone and a glass of wine, the mother must ward off the evil toddlers to get food on the table before the clock runs out.

Can't relate to that one?  I have countless other ideas... try this one on for size.

The game opens on the screen of a mother changing her baby's diaper.  She lovingly cleans the child, patting him with powder and delivers a kiss on his nose right as she sets the used diaper on the floor.  Just then, a small white dog runs into the picture and snatches the dirty diaper in his mouth.  Your new objective is to find the dog and stop him before he has time to devour the diaper.  Extra points available for getting the baby's pants on before completing your mission.

No, this diaper does NOT have poop in it.  Even I have standards.

How's that for suspenseful?

Sadly, these games exist only in my mind.  And until Nintendo calls with a job offer in their new "housewife/stay-at-home-mom" department, I'll have to be satisfied with my 2.5 stools.

That and Bejeweled.