The Pokey Hokey

Guess what?

I'm entering the presidential race.  Not really, of course, because the Internet is full of my references to needing a drink and wanting to dose my children with unneeded Benadryl.  But I really should because I have a million dollar idea to solve the energy crisis.  My speech writers are currently throwing pool balls against the wall working fervently to present my plan for world domination.  Until then, I'll give you the basic breakdown.

First, we bake a batch of cookies.  Chocolate chip cookies work best, but I'm not picky.  There will be plenty of time for choosiness when I am president.  Next, we feed the cookies to my children.

This part is easy.

Next, we carefully rig the children up to a series of wires and electromagnetic tools that can detect and and capture raw energy.  I haven't quite worked this part out yet, but I know a lot of smart people and I'm sure that one of them can whip something up.

Once connected, we simply introduce the kids to a simple dance or exercise that requires them to move their squirmy little bodies.  We tested a few options this week, and some were better than others.

Ring-Around-the-Rosy was a popular choice, but forced falling down only leads to injury in my house.  It's not the falling down, actually, but more the result of Cael shoving Graham over with all of his might and then sitting on him to ensure he makes it all the way to the floor. 

Jumping Jacks were a lost cause. 

"Cael, you jump up and down while you wave your arms in the air like this."

"Like this?"

Here's where I wish I had a video for you, but alas I was afraid to bring my camera anywhere near what can only be described as a seizure of some sort.  It wouldn't do.

Finally, Bampa hit on the perfect activity.  He corralled the boys and painstakingly taught them the "Hokey Pokey".  Graham randomly jutted various appendages into the center of the circle while Cael tried, unsuccessfully, to distinguish his right arm from his left. 

"Look, Mommy!  I'm doing the Pokey Hokey!"

I thought about correcting him, but the rules by which he danced did not align with the traditional Hokey Pokey, so I thought it best that he use another name for his odd dance.  Once they had cycled through their arms, legs and heads, I suggested he put his "whole self" in as we did when I was a kid, hokey-pokeying on four wheels at the local skating rink.  Little did I know that putting his whole body in would invite a string of non-traditional body parts to be thrown into the fray and shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Now we put our earlobes in!"

"Let's put our bottoms in!"

"Ooh, now it's time to put our nipples in and out!"

Surely you saw that coming.

When Cael and Graham had finally worn themselves out, we carefully removed the wires and electrodes and reviewed the data. 

Two boys + one Bampa + the Pokey Hokey = enough clean energy to power the entire mainland US for about three weeks.  (Although I should clarify that the energy isn't perfectly clean.  After all, Cael did put his bottom in.)

So it is with that breaking discovery that I announce my candidacy for president.  You know, because I don't have enough to do as it is.

Cael and Graham approve of this message.